This is the moment you've all be waiting for... After a long wait from Amazon, I received a replacement DB25G.
The radio can't be read by Chirp at all, I still get the same error code (short read of the block 0x0000). The unit will shut down and stays off after Chirp tries to transfer from the radio to the computer, ergo the error code. (I have plenty of success with Baofeng radios and Chirp.)
I was able to program the DB25G with my old Windows 10 laptop and the official Radioddity software.... after the unit crashed 3 times. The unit would shut off before the data transfer could happen. Only due to my cat-like reflexes and timing was I able to press the Write button at the correct time during crashes to get it to write the data. I feel superhuman.
I like this radio. I like the quad monitoring and I sound really good on it. But if I can't even use the official software to program it, I feel like I am not getting my money's worth.
I'll reach out to Radioddity one more time. And I do recognize that "some people" may think I'm making the same mistakes again... and I won't rule that out. But I get the same results with two different programs on two different platforms with two different radio units.
Thank you to everyone who commented and offered assistance, you are good humans. @WSFB377 @OffRoaderX